R S Prasanna

Spam that tries to be literature.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Argument Against Marriage

I am an underpaid PostGraduate, soon to be married.

I saw an advertisement in the local paper about a grant fund, that was tailored made for me.

No Kidding.

"Welfare Fund for Employed but Underpaid PostGraduates, Soon to be Married" (WFfEbUP,StbM)

I applied, gleefully.

And got a disturbing reply.

I publish it here in full.


"We can not release any funding as of now. Upon inspection of your marriage site by a gazetted officer, to ensure you are really poor, very poor, we may deem fit to release funds anywhere between 6 months and 2 years from your marriage date. We can arrange to make the payment in your kid's name. Thanks for the application,"

Quite understandably, I was crestfallen.

Just when I was losing hope, I saw a column in the National newspaper (From Local to National. Growth.)A famous Agony Aunt column.

So I wrote to the column, but too shy to quote my real name, I wrote under a pseudonym.

Not being too creative at these things, I borrowed the name available closest in my memory. The girl who was haunting me day and night, ever since I set eyes on her.

Yeah, no prizes for guessing.

My best friend's wife.

I publish here in full the reply I got from the columnist.


-----------[Begin Column Quote]
"No. There is no such fund for soon-to-be-married people.

Because if after all the astoundingly clear evidence (global warming) and historical precedent (dinosaurs disappearing) stacked against the institution of marriage, you still believe in it, then God alone can save you.

Have you heard of Lemmings? They just go mad and in groups of hundreds jump into a river and commit suicide. Just like that. On the spur of a moment.

Not unlike getting married.

What Grant can save a Lemming?

There is one way out of this icky situation though, and lemme tell you this before you get married and get turned into an extinct dinosaur, or extremely warm lemming:

(And this is girl to girl talk, don't tell your man.)

The only way to escape from the tyranny of marriage:

Every single day, appreciate the guy for his brilliance, and tell him that He is the Messiah the world was waiting for. Shortly after, (say, after 15 years of keeping this up) when he finally believes he is Jehovah himself - tell him the world needs him more than you do, and this hardest of hard sacrifices (of giving up Lord's Messenger to the service of mankind) is really a hard sacrifice for you to sacrifice.

And then find the next meat loaf hunk that comes your way and romp your way to extra marital bliss.

PS 1: By the way, you are a girl. Why do you need a grant? The guy needs to earn for you, child. I mean, this Feminism and Equal Rights are ruining it for women, I say!

PS 2 (Not the game, he he) : It is true that dinosaurs disappeared because they got married. What's the evidence, you ask?

Well, well, you think Agony Aunt says things without scientific rigour?

Watch Jurassic Park.

Keenly. You will find three very clear evidences for the dinosaurs being married:

1)The dinosaur who chops off the poor guy in the commode - if you look at her (yes its a her) paws, you will see that she is wearing an engagement ring.

2) The scene where the dinosaurs run across the field in hordes, you will find some really fat ones there with beer bellies. Those are married men.

3) If you are clever, you will ask : "In point 2, why would a beer bellied Husband Velociraptor (or what ever Dino that was) run? Shouldn't he be sitting in couch watching football?" That's clever, but not clever enough. My answer: "Where the heck do u think these guys are running to?" In the deleted scenes of the movie (not yet released, but may be seen very soon in the blu-ray edition) Steven Spielberg shows where they are headed: "There's a dinosaur Superbowl happening down hill, and Shakira was performing live"

------------------[End of Column]


Weel, as you can see, I was left even more confused than before.

I mean, I understand the column had a lot of scientific reasons against marriage, but theres one nagging point.

Yes, the video may clearly show that the dinosaurs are married.

But I am no fool am I?

I can clearly see they are not extinct!

Help.

Please.

4 Comments:

Blogger Lancelot said...

ha ha ha...

man so now wats the point???u wanna get or dont wanna get???

10:00 AM  
Blogger jere said...

errrr...

11:44 AM  
Blogger R S Prasanna said...

lance: well. To be or Not to Be, you ask. well, friend, its not so easy to decide. Thats why i am asking for ur esteemped suggestions.

Let me put it this way.

I strongly believe that if one dinosaur can tell me it didnt go extinct becos of marriage, I'll change my mind.

jere: what 'err" I wont. I never err.

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Meena said...

WHO ISA THIS FRIEND'S WIFE???????


Explanation please!!!!!

4:49 AM  

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